I Don't Know Why

Disclaimer: I process through writing and this is me processing. I wrote this for me, but if you want to read it you can

Doesn't it feel like life hits you all at once? I'm not much of a cry-er, but recent events have kept me biting back tears almost every time a turn around, ie the grocery store today when I walked past this cute old man.

Event #1
My best friend in the whole wide world that I've known since she was one and I was three called me a little over a month ago to say her husband asked for a divorce. If any of you know Stephanie, you know she is the most awesomely sweet person ever. To have this happen to SUCH a nice person just breaks my heart. I guess I'm even more protective of my friends than I realized. While she is doing much better, and that helps me do much better, I still feel her heart ache like she was my own sister. So this spurred crying fest number one.

Event #2
My Aunt Franny was diagnosed with stage 4 brain, bone and lung cancer. She is my mother's sister in law. Her husband, Uncle Danny, died of lung cancer in 2000. They have a 24 year old son, Matthew, who is engaged to be married on Easter Sunday 2009 to Michelle. Michelle is estranged from her family due to your average shocking disturbing family drama. So all Michelle and Matthew have are my Aunt Franny and Matthew's brothers and sisters. Aunt Franny was given 6-8 months to live and she is at her daughter's home with palliative care. We had known something was wrong with Aunt Franny for months, but the diagnoses of this triple cancer at stage 4 was a punch in the stomach. Spurring cry fest number two.

Event #3
My 87 year old grandfather had a stroke on the 23rd of November. He had surgery that day to extract a clot and repair the bleeding. He has been in ICU since the surgery. He has had a fever for a week now. They can't find the cause of the fever or the elevated white blood cell count. Obviously he has an infection somewhere, but why can't they find it? He is becoming more alert, opening his eyes and responding to people speaking to him. His speech is very garbled, and he only manages to say "Hi" "yes" "I love you", simple things. One of the hardest thing for me is I know the severity of strokes. I can't tell you how many stroke patients I took care of at my old job, Lucerne, where people were breathing but literally doing NOTHING else. The thought of my grandfather ending up like one of these people rips my heart in two. The second hardest part is watching my own father deal with this. Listening to him cry, listening to him get his hopes up, only to be let down, that IS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH. I can't handle my dad being upset and it makes me cry every time I think about him. The third hardest thing is having to be the one to explain things to my parents. My dad was excited to tell me they took the feeding tube out of my grandpa's nose, but they put a g-tube in his stomach. I had to be the one to tell him the g-tube is for long term use. Papaw isn't going to be able to eat on his own for a very long time. Why do I tell him the truth? Well, how could I not? And the crying continues.

Add those three up and pile on the normal holiday family drama and I'm not feeling very merry this year. But I'm learning and listening to God through this process. When this first happened to Papaw I wanted to be angry. But somewhere along the journey I heard God say I could either get angry or draw closer. I can let this bring out the worst in me, or I can allow God to use me, stretch me, mold me, and create me into who he sees me becoming. All I have to do is take one faithful step at a time. I don't know why, but I know God who knows why. So I cry and I pray, and then I read my Bible and cry some more and all I can do is be faithful in what I know he requires of me.