Safely Home

Since Papaw died I've been getting all sorts of encouraging words from friends. Just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" seems to take some of the pain away. Yesterday I got two sympathy cards in the mail. One was from my cousin, Kory, who has been so faithful to check in on how our family is doing (she is on the opposite side of the family). The other card was from my childhood friend, Sarah. I've known her since birth. We grew up together, went to school together, and were recently reunited at a friend's wedding. She's a beautiful person and I wanted to share a poem she sent.

Safely Home

I am home
In Heaven.
Dear ones:
Oh, so happy
And so bright!
There is perfect joy
And beauty
In this everlasting light.
Al the pain
And grief is over:
Every restless
Tossing passed:
I am now
At peace forever,
Safely home
In Heaven
At last

If that doesn't make you teary eyed, I don't know what will.

New Possibilities

Jordan and I are thinking about finding a new church home. I haven't been spiritually satisfied with Summit all year. Two months ago I decided to wait it out through Advent and see if I had a change of heart. The problem I have with Summit is Isaac has two sermons: "Jesus loves you just the way you are" and "the next right step". Isaac does this type of message really well. I really appreciated these sermons when I was new to Summit. They helped me out in my walk with Jesus a lot. Now I want more. And I'm proud to say that I have matured beyond these messages. I want sermons on what the next right step is!

I listen to a lot of podcasts, mainly Mars Hill (Rob Bell), Northland (Joel Hunter) and Grace Fellowship (Mike Adkins). I'm new to listening to Grace Fellowships podcasts, but I've listened to the past 2 months and I want more! Mike's style is a lot like Isaac's, but he brings more to the table. The Advent series he did was awesome, and I'm going to listen to it again. I just finished listening to this weeks service. I laughed out loud when I found out it was my friend's husband, Jason Vermeulen, preaching! I didn't realize he was on staff at Grace. And not to mention he did a really good job. We've come to dread staff members preaching thanks to Summit. Jason's sermon was intelligent, simple yet enlightening, had practical application, and, most importantly, it made me want to change for Jesus and get to know him more personally. This is what I've been missing with Summit.

This coming week we will be visiting Grace. I don't know if we will become regular attenders. We will let God guide us to what our next right step is.

So, that is the latest development in the Pitts' family. I got the sweetest sympathy cards in the mail today, but I'll wait until another blog to tell you about them. Until then, just know I had some of the best friends and family in the world.

Life on Warp Speed

We are home now. The funeral was done this morning. Even though the circumstances were not ideal, I still had a good time visiting my family. But lets go back to where we left off on the blog life of Mary.

Christmas day was a good one. We ate breakfast and opened presents with Jordan's family. We all got really awesome presents. His parents got a Wii, and they actually liked it, I think...



I got a spa gift card, yard tools, a LSU she-gnome to go with our he-gnome and a lot of other stuff. Jordan got yard tools, a book, CD, and more that I can't remember right now...





We ate a fantastic Christmas dinner with the family, plus Abby (Adam's girlfriend), and Jackie (my long lost bridesmaid). We played Apples to Apples, and us none serious game players really enjoyed it. I'm not so sure about the competitive people.... It's not an exact game and I don't know how much they appreciated that. And then before we left we took this family photo. Pretty good looking group huh? I've never considered myself tall until I joined this family :)



We took two days to get home. We got home early Friday afternoon but had to head right out to go to my Papaw's viewing. All of his kids were able to make it down, plus lots of the grandkids. I'm glad I got to spend some time with my crazy cousin Rachel, and her even crazier baby, Kambria. It was good seeing the whole family, having all of us together. It was odd without Papaw. Even my grandma, Papaw's first wife, came down from North Carolina. She wanted to be with her five kids during this difficult time.

Oh, and I got to know my great Uncle Lloyd, Papaw's brother. I'd seen him in pictures, but that's about it. He's about 10 years younger than Papaw and talks and talks and talks. He was a real sweetheart and I think he liked me a little extra because I'm a RN. His wife is also an RN, working in the county jail! I can't imagine how hard that job must be, and all the jerks she has to put up with.

There was minimal drama, considering how high emotions run at funerals. I feel a lot of peace right now knowing that Papaw is in heaven with Jesus now. I hope all the family stays in touch and still does our yearly reunions, although that will be really hard without Papaw there.

After the funeral all of the family went back to my parents house to eat. My parent's church was awesome in having us an entire meal! They fed ALL of us! Tons of food. It was so good spending the time with my family. I think we're all a crazy mess, and we love every minute of it. Rachel is 5 months pregnant and she bumped her belly to mine. She said I got the curse and she's expecting me to have one soon. I told you she's crazy.

And now we clean house, take down Christmas decor, and unpack after warp speed traveling!

Whew.

Merry Christmas!

Hope you have as much fun as this little guy!

Christmas Chaos

Sunday we had Christmas with my parents since we had planned on being in Baton Rouge for Christmas day. We found out about 1:30 Sunday that the viewing for my grandfather was planned for Friday night and the funeral Saturday morning. We planned on being in Baton Rouge for a week during that time. So we had to change our plans. Big time.

We decided to leave for Baton Rouge on Sunday. We opened presents with my family, went home, packed the car within an hour, took the dogs back to my parent's house, and were on the road to BR by 6:15. It was a whirlwind. We drove about half way to BR. Woke up Monday morning and drove the rest of the way. We got to BR about 2:30. We left so fast and drove here so fast it was hard to even comprehend what just happened.

Today we went to see Jordan's grandma. She is in an assisted living center and has Alzheimer's. I would consider her "pleasantly confused". She just asks the same questions more than once and can't keep up with current happenings of the family. And sometimes she thinks she's a little girl.

Tonight we went to dinner our good friends. Jackie was one of my bridesmaids and Jenny was my go-to girl. They have been friends with Jordan since.... high school I guess? We have a lot of fun with them and it was so good catching up.

Obituary

Raymond R. Hargrave, 87 of Orlando passed away, Sat. Dec. 20, 2008. Born in Garysburg, N.C. he moved to Central Florida in the 1960’s. He was a retired Civil Service Electrician and served in the U.S. Navy during World War II.

He is survived by his wife, Sue Hargrave; sons, Raymond, Ricky and Vernon Hargrave; daughters, Cecelia Lockhart and Rosa Boyles; stepsons, Lewis and Daniel Murray; step daughter, Linda Pauls; brothers, John and Lloyd Hargrave and several grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Funeral services will be held at 10:00 AM on Sat. Dec. 27, 2008 at the Church of the Nazarene, 2176 Michigan Ave. St. Cloud, FL 34769. Interment will follow at Drowdy-Rouse Cemetery, Orlando. Visitation will be held from 6:00-8:00 PM on Friday, Dec. 26th at Newcomer Funeral Home, 895 S. Goldenrod Rd. Orlando, FL 32822. 407-277-4227.

RIP

My Papaw
May 26, 1921 - December 20, 2008

The Pug Tilt

My mom's pugs do this. Soooooo funny


3 Pugs Head Tilting

My Cat Tells Time

This week I had to run by my doctor's office to pick up medical records for a new life insurance policy. I was talking to the PA who normally sees me and she made an interesting observation. She said that a medication I was on for about a year could have been the cause for my gastric ulcer. There was never really an explanation before, so I like this one. There is also a 10% chance that stress can cause ulcers, so that could be another factor. But I'm thinking it's more likely that I'm one of the unfortunates to get this "rare" side effect.

So I just panicked at the realization that no one will be here to feed the cat at 5:45 every day when we're in Baton Rouge. He always shows up at 5:45 to get his dinner. How does the cat know it's 5:45? And if I'm not there, in the designated dog-free waiting area, he keeps coming closer and closer to the front door. He's the prettiest cat I've ever seen and I'm determined to win him over (I still haven't gotten less than 5 feet to him). I guess we'll be leaving a massive bowl of cat food on the back porch and hope he figures out the dog's are on vacation for the week.

Papaw was moved to the "skilled nursing facility" -that's code for nursing home- on Monday. He has been fed through his feeding tube since then. They think he still has the ileus, which I'm thinking they are eventually going to have to do surgery. He is obeying commands, like squeezing hands, blinking and waving. They have had him up in a chair every day. Today they had him in the social area in a wheel chair. Dad is still going 2 and 3 times a day. I don't see how he handles it emotionally or physically. He's got to be exhausted. But I think keeping busy is his way of dealing with it.

What To Name Her?

We almost bought this long haired, dapple colored Dachshund tonight. She was the craziest puppy we've seen in a long time. Probably the second craziest dog ever, the first being Peanut. The look in this dogs eyes reminds me a lot of Peanut when we got her. We always said we would get a third dog when we bought a house. We were real close to taking her home, but we wouldn't have anywhere to keep her while in Baton Rouge. If we come back and she's still there, it'll be a sign and we'll definitely have to get her! I'll be thinking of a name until then. Something that rhymes with "dapple" would be awesome. Or we could stick with food items.

Weekend Photo Tour

Friday night our patio furniture was delivered. We bought it from Home Depot online and it was $350 off. It's Hampton Bay and surprisingly easy to put together. It even came with the accent pillows. The rug is from Target.





Saturday we just so happened to find the table we wanted from Target. The table and two chairs are a perfect fit. Now I can't wait to finish my breakfast nook with a valance and place mats. The pot in the middle is growing an Amaryllis.




I started a little project of my own this weekend. I lined 3 or my four sheer drapes so far. I wanted them to be a little more substantial and I think it helps with a simple liner in them.




Saturday night we went to EA's Christmas party. It is the best Christmas party known to man. Open bar all night with half way decent entertainment and almost edible dinner. The best part are all the people and the awesome pictures we end up with. I have over 60 pictures, so here are a couple for just a preview.








Sunday we finally got to meet baby Grace. She's the baby of our realtor/friend, Jaime and Brian. She's one of the tiniest newborns I've seen. I think she's right at 6 lbs 8 oz right now. We're so excited for them.

Hope

I got an unexpected call from my dad tonight. Ever since this accident with Papaw, when I see dad's number pop up on my phone my breath is a little taken away and my heart beats a little faster. Tonights phone call was no exception. But instead of hearing what we've all been dreading, dad proceeded to tell me that the nurse doesn't think Papaw is dying. (the nurses in hospice are apparently very open with patient care, unlike in the hospital where everything is very confidential). The nurse then started talking about moving Papaw out of hospice. We were aware he would have to be moved to a nursing home if he improved, but to actually hear that he doesn't require hospice care is a small miracle. Dad called his family and step-mom and everyone agrees that he needs to start receiving nutrition and fluids again. He'll have to move to a nursing home for that. They are meeting with the hospice doctor tomorrow to figure out the next step.

We visited him on Friday and these are some things I observed that gave me a disturbing, nagging feeling:

He is still making urine. The first system that shuts down on a dying patient is the kidneys. Papaw is still making adequate urine, even without fluids. The average healthy body wouldn't be able to do this, and yet he still is! This shows that his body is not in a poor state of health. His mind may be altered from the stroke, but his other organs are still capable.

He grabs your hand like he is trying to say something. He holds on to you like he doesn't want you to leave him. If you try to pull away he sqeezes tighter, like he's trapped on the inside. He spread his fingers reaching for my hand like he was anticipating my touch.

His vital signs since being admitted to Hopice Care are normal. His blood pressure is slightly elevated, but he has a known blood pressure problem. If a patient is dying, their breathing is rapid and their heart rate is either very high or very low. All of his is completely normal.

Just a couple things I noticed the hour I was there with him. And all of that is with absolutely no medical treatment. These three things also support the nurses' opinion that he needs to be moved to a nursing home.

Top priority for tomorrow, find a new doctor and fire the one that put him in hospice in the first place.

Love This

This video is thes best ever

Predicting Death

I think I've accepted what is going to happen. Once fluids have been discontinued it takes 7 to 10 days for someone to die. That puts Papaws death Monday or Wednesday of next week. Isn't that awful? I know when he is going to die.

I take comfort in knowing:

He is going to heaven
He would not want to be in this state
He is getting pain management
He had a great 87 years
His family loved him more than any family could have

I don't know how I've accepted this. I don't know if I should have accepted this. I don't do well with crying, let alone with people dying! The only reason I'm staying as strong as I am is because of Christ. I'm relying on Him completely cause I definitely cannot do this on my own.

I was convicted during my quiet time sometime this week though. I was completely relying on God to take care of my grandfather, but I was/am angry with my step-grandmother. She makes poor decisions. She has hurt a lot of people in my family, especially my parents. She just isn't a nice person. She has come between Papaw and his kids a lot. And she accepted my grandfather's fate WAY TOO FAST. She's had him with one foot in the grave for quite a while now (for no reason, Papaw was completely independent and healthy besides high blood pressure before this came about).

I trusted God to take care of my grandpa, but not the relationships that are left in the aftermath. I still wanted to be angry with her. And there's no "but" after that. I still don't want to like her. Mainly because she has hurt my dad so much. It's not my cross to bare, but I still do.

My Very Own

I found my own fail! "Gifts for well-dressed men"

The Killer

My dad took Papaw his Christmas present today and my grandpa actually reached for it. It was a plaque that had Papaws navy picture on it and his ship's information. He was in WWII in Hawaii.

Papaw also was able to say my dad's name today. It's so hard making this decision, even though my step-grandmother made it for us. He will essentially starve to death over the next week and a half. I struggle with this a lot. And my dad relies on my opinion so heavily.

On one hand, I don't think Papaw will get much better than he is, and the doctors are convinced that his bowels have shut down, although other doctors have said he has an ileus (which is TREATABLE! Normally with surgery, which he would probably not survive another surgery) So Papaw will not receive any nutrition again and he will slowly pass away. Starvation is what will kill him in the end. And this is what we have CHOSEN to do to him.

And on the other hand, I'm sure he will not get any better than the occasional "ya" and eyes actually being able to focus. That isn't any way to live, but why are we making these decisions? Isn't it God's timing? There is the whole quality of life issue, but who really gets to make that decision? Is starving him to death God's timing? Is that what he is leading us to do? Seems like there could be a more matter of fact way God could handle this, meaning, something actually FATAL kills him.

My step-grandmother is peaceful with what she has decided. But she hangs on the doctors every word. She believes everything he tells her. HE is the one who took him off the blood pressure medication in the first place, and that lead to his stroke. You see the dilemma? It's fishy to me.

To sum it up, did I agree to let them take away any life sustenance just for my own good? It's easier knowing he's in heaven than seeing him laying helplessly in bed. Did I comfort my dad with this when I was actually selfishly comforting myself?

Hard Day

I'm so tired. I worked last night and was woken up this morning with Jordan coming home. I knew it wasn't a good sign because he never comes home in the middle of the day. My mom had called him and said Papaw wasn't doing well and we needed to get to the hospital. So I jumped, as much as my body would let me, out of bed, took a shower and we were on our way.

We stayed about 5 hours. We met with the hospice nurse - who was so rude! Before we met with her I was thinking I could never do her job. How hard it would be meeting families during this time. Going over such hard decisions. Now I know I could do her job so much better than her. Hospice is all about "comfort" care and she was anything but comforting.

But I digress. Something happened today with Papaw that he regurgitated his stomach content and began to suffocate/choke on it. The doctor says it's due to the stroke he cannot swallow the way he used to. He recommended hospice to my grandmother and they discontinued all his antibiotics, tube feeds, and IV fluids. I don't know if I agree with doctor's reasoning, but I agree with the conclusion. Papaw isn't getting better. He just lays in bed and when his eyes open it tends to be a blank stare. Sometime since this accident has happened he has told Mamaw he wants to go be with Jesus. He will be so much better in heaven. His body is terribly broken.

He was transferred to an inpatient hospice center tonight. Without him having any fluids or food I'd say he has about a week left. If he starts to improve, he will have to be transferred out of hospice into a nursing facility.

Snoopy

It's been a pretty awful day but this made me laugh.

Meet Our Cat, Office, and Christmas Tree

We finished another room in the house today. It took us a while to hang Jordan's plaques in his office, but we finally got it done. We will eventually get plantation blinds for all the bedrooms.

The plaques are all the games Jordan has made. He bought that chair from American Signature when we moved in. It's really comfortable for him to play his games in.



He stole the curtains from our old living room, but I like how they turn out in here.



It's all about the surround sound and video games in this room.



Double doors open up from the living room into the office




Jordan took the dogs to Uncle Felix's to watch a football game so I get some peace and quiet. I did our Christmas cards and went for a good walk. I also got a picture of our cat, Colt, the one we inherited with the house. He shows up every night at 5:45 to get his dinner. He doesn't let me get near him, but we're making progress. As you can see, he's a really pretty cat.



Oh, and we put up our Christmas tree last week!

For The Love of Fail

I get so much pleasure out of this one website. My recent favorites




more fail, owned and pwned pics and videos


more fail, owned and pwned pics and videos


more fail, owned and pwned pics and videos


more fail, owned and pwned pics and videos

Penguin!

I want a penguin to sit on my lap!!!

I Don't Know Why

Disclaimer: I process through writing and this is me processing. I wrote this for me, but if you want to read it you can

Doesn't it feel like life hits you all at once? I'm not much of a cry-er, but recent events have kept me biting back tears almost every time a turn around, ie the grocery store today when I walked past this cute old man.

Event #1
My best friend in the whole wide world that I've known since she was one and I was three called me a little over a month ago to say her husband asked for a divorce. If any of you know Stephanie, you know she is the most awesomely sweet person ever. To have this happen to SUCH a nice person just breaks my heart. I guess I'm even more protective of my friends than I realized. While she is doing much better, and that helps me do much better, I still feel her heart ache like she was my own sister. So this spurred crying fest number one.

Event #2
My Aunt Franny was diagnosed with stage 4 brain, bone and lung cancer. She is my mother's sister in law. Her husband, Uncle Danny, died of lung cancer in 2000. They have a 24 year old son, Matthew, who is engaged to be married on Easter Sunday 2009 to Michelle. Michelle is estranged from her family due to your average shocking disturbing family drama. So all Michelle and Matthew have are my Aunt Franny and Matthew's brothers and sisters. Aunt Franny was given 6-8 months to live and she is at her daughter's home with palliative care. We had known something was wrong with Aunt Franny for months, but the diagnoses of this triple cancer at stage 4 was a punch in the stomach. Spurring cry fest number two.

Event #3
My 87 year old grandfather had a stroke on the 23rd of November. He had surgery that day to extract a clot and repair the bleeding. He has been in ICU since the surgery. He has had a fever for a week now. They can't find the cause of the fever or the elevated white blood cell count. Obviously he has an infection somewhere, but why can't they find it? He is becoming more alert, opening his eyes and responding to people speaking to him. His speech is very garbled, and he only manages to say "Hi" "yes" "I love you", simple things. One of the hardest thing for me is I know the severity of strokes. I can't tell you how many stroke patients I took care of at my old job, Lucerne, where people were breathing but literally doing NOTHING else. The thought of my grandfather ending up like one of these people rips my heart in two. The second hardest part is watching my own father deal with this. Listening to him cry, listening to him get his hopes up, only to be let down, that IS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH. I can't handle my dad being upset and it makes me cry every time I think about him. The third hardest thing is having to be the one to explain things to my parents. My dad was excited to tell me they took the feeding tube out of my grandpa's nose, but they put a g-tube in his stomach. I had to be the one to tell him the g-tube is for long term use. Papaw isn't going to be able to eat on his own for a very long time. Why do I tell him the truth? Well, how could I not? And the crying continues.

Add those three up and pile on the normal holiday family drama and I'm not feeling very merry this year. But I'm learning and listening to God through this process. When this first happened to Papaw I wanted to be angry. But somewhere along the journey I heard God say I could either get angry or draw closer. I can let this bring out the worst in me, or I can allow God to use me, stretch me, mold me, and create me into who he sees me becoming. All I have to do is take one faithful step at a time. I don't know why, but I know God who knows why. So I cry and I pray, and then I read my Bible and cry some more and all I can do is be faithful in what I know he requires of me.