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Predicting Death

I think I've accepted what is going to happen. Once fluids have been discontinued it takes 7 to 10 days for someone to die. That puts Papaws death Monday or Wednesday of next week. Isn't that awful? I know when he is going to die.

I take comfort in knowing:

He is going to heaven
He would not want to be in this state
He is getting pain management
He had a great 87 years
His family loved him more than any family could have

I don't know how I've accepted this. I don't know if I should have accepted this. I don't do well with crying, let alone with people dying! The only reason I'm staying as strong as I am is because of Christ. I'm relying on Him completely cause I definitely cannot do this on my own.

I was convicted during my quiet time sometime this week though. I was completely relying on God to take care of my grandfather, but I was/am angry with my step-grandmother. She makes poor decisions. She has hurt a lot of people in my family, especially my parents. She just isn't a nice person. She has come between Papaw and his kids a lot. And she accepted my grandfather's fate WAY TOO FAST. She's had him with one foot in the grave for quite a while now (for no reason, Papaw was completely independent and healthy besides high blood pressure before this came about).

I trusted God to take care of my grandpa, but not the relationships that are left in the aftermath. I still wanted to be angry with her. And there's no "but" after that. I still don't want to like her. Mainly because she has hurt my dad so much. It's not my cross to bare, but I still do.

My Very Own

I found my own fail! "Gifts for well-dressed men"

The Killer

My dad took Papaw his Christmas present today and my grandpa actually reached for it. It was a plaque that had Papaws navy picture on it and his ship's information. He was in WWII in Hawaii.

Papaw also was able to say my dad's name today. It's so hard making this decision, even though my step-grandmother made it for us. He will essentially starve to death over the next week and a half. I struggle with this a lot. And my dad relies on my opinion so heavily.

On one hand, I don't think Papaw will get much better than he is, and the doctors are convinced that his bowels have shut down, although other doctors have said he has an ileus (which is TREATABLE! Normally with surgery, which he would probably not survive another surgery) So Papaw will not receive any nutrition again and he will slowly pass away. Starvation is what will kill him in the end. And this is what we have CHOSEN to do to him.

And on the other hand, I'm sure he will not get any better than the occasional "ya" and eyes actually being able to focus. That isn't any way to live, but why are we making these decisions? Isn't it God's timing? There is the whole quality of life issue, but who really gets to make that decision? Is starving him to death God's timing? Is that what he is leading us to do? Seems like there could be a more matter of fact way God could handle this, meaning, something actually FATAL kills him.

My step-grandmother is peaceful with what she has decided. But she hangs on the doctors every word. She believes everything he tells her. HE is the one who took him off the blood pressure medication in the first place, and that lead to his stroke. You see the dilemma? It's fishy to me.

To sum it up, did I agree to let them take away any life sustenance just for my own good? It's easier knowing he's in heaven than seeing him laying helplessly in bed. Did I comfort my dad with this when I was actually selfishly comforting myself?

Hard Day

I'm so tired. I worked last night and was woken up this morning with Jordan coming home. I knew it wasn't a good sign because he never comes home in the middle of the day. My mom had called him and said Papaw wasn't doing well and we needed to get to the hospital. So I jumped, as much as my body would let me, out of bed, took a shower and we were on our way.

We stayed about 5 hours. We met with the hospice nurse - who was so rude! Before we met with her I was thinking I could never do her job. How hard it would be meeting families during this time. Going over such hard decisions. Now I know I could do her job so much better than her. Hospice is all about "comfort" care and she was anything but comforting.

But I digress. Something happened today with Papaw that he regurgitated his stomach content and began to suffocate/choke on it. The doctor says it's due to the stroke he cannot swallow the way he used to. He recommended hospice to my grandmother and they discontinued all his antibiotics, tube feeds, and IV fluids. I don't know if I agree with doctor's reasoning, but I agree with the conclusion. Papaw isn't getting better. He just lays in bed and when his eyes open it tends to be a blank stare. Sometime since this accident has happened he has told Mamaw he wants to go be with Jesus. He will be so much better in heaven. His body is terribly broken.

He was transferred to an inpatient hospice center tonight. Without him having any fluids or food I'd say he has about a week left. If he starts to improve, he will have to be transferred out of hospice into a nursing facility.